Well, I guess the title is not entirely true. Our journey really started 10 years ago when we first started dating. From the very beginning, we talked about having a family together. Once we started dating there really was no question that we would always be together and a family was what we both wanted.
We started dating in July and by August I knew I would marry that man some day. Joe's Grandma was dying at that time and when I saw how he was with her I knew he would be a man of strength and respect. I haven't been wrong since. In November of that same year Joe had to have surgery and at the time we were told he would have trouble conceiving. It was a scary time but we thought we would just need a little extra help when the time came. In January we bought a house together. In March, Joe made it official by asking me to marry him. We were married 1 1/2 years later.
We tried to get pregnant right away but with no luck. In 2005 we decided to start fertility treatments to help things along. Unfortunately the problem was not just Joe but me as well. We tried an IVF treatment but it did not go well. My body reacted drastically to the hormones placed inside of me. It was a very painful time and messed up my body worse than I could have imagined. Needless to say it was not successful and very expensive. Because of what it did to my body we have had many medical bills since.
In 2007, we were approached by a young girl that wanted to consider us as prospective parents for her unborn child. If only I had known then what I know now things might have gone better for all of us. She was a wonderful girl who didn't really want to make the decisions she did but knew she was way too young to give that child the life she deserved. She loved her baby enough to find parents who could give her a life she needed and deserved. However, at that time an open adoption scared me to death. This girl wanted us to give her full access to this baby. Full access. How would I be able to deal with that? What would it mean? How could I bond with this baby if her birth mom was always there? I apologize to this teenager, who was just scared and just as clueless as I was. If I had any idea what that meant I would have embraced you both and kept you both close to my heart. Instead we walked away. I thought my heart was going to break. I was sure that was the end of my family dreams.
In 2008 Joe and I talked of adopting through an agency. Actually the idea of adoption usually comes up every time we have a baby born in our families, we have friends who have a child, we see a movie, etc. You get the picture. Unfortunately, adoption is so incredibly expensive and our finances are not good. We didn't think it was an option for us. Then we tried Foster care adoption as that is a lot less expensive. But we didn't think our busy lifestyles would be ideal for a child in foster care. These children need stability and schedules. We at that time could not provide either.
I look back at my posts in 2009 and realize how defeated I sounded. I am 5 years older than my husband and I was feeling that clock ticking much faster than he was. He though we should wait until things improved. Last year I took a huge pay cut and we got behind on many bills. Things seemed to snowball and I saw our chances of adopting and having a family of our own slipping through my fingers. And that is when it happened. I was 38 years old. I was done wishing for things that were not meant to be. I felt our latest money problems were God's way of telling us to move on and give up on a dream that wasn't going to happen anyway. I decided I was done. I was going to find something else to fill my life with. I would just have to find my way some other way. Don't get me wrong. I was angry. Angry at God for not helping us, angry at my husband for not fixing our money problems, angry at our families for pressuring us to do what we weren't capable of doing.
Then this year, as we celebrated our 8 years of marriage, my husband talked to his mom. When she asked why we were not pursuing adoption he told her the truth. She said she would make it happen. Joe came home to me and said, "We are adopting." That's it, just like that. Well let me tell you, I wasn't ready for that. I had made my peace with our situation. I was going on 39 years old and the thought of just starting with a family scared the hell out of me. You see, Joe had hit that point I was at 5 years ago. His clock started ticking quite fast. Our friends just adopted a boy and were on their second adoption. An open adoption didn't scare him so bad this time. After a little time to catch my breath, I decided maybe I could still be a decent mother. My health was improving, and I felt better than I had since before our IVF. What was age anyway? Joe was still young enough to do the running if I couldn't, right. So a few days after our anniversary, I said YES.
And things have snowballed from there. Our families have gone on a fundraising mission to get us the money. My parents have told us they will sign whatever they need to to get us through the finance part of our home study. My work has prayed and given money. Our friends have said they would help us get our house in order. We had our informational meeting. We have raised over $3,000 to date. Now we are just waiting for the link to our formal application. That should come in January.
Boy does life have a way of changing in a heartbeat. God does things on his own time there is no doubt. But once you stop pushing and start accepting, you realize it is your time as well. I await our child, I dream of the day we will meet for the first time, and I smile knowing that this time will be different.
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